And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
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