How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
how does that bad decision feel?
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
