your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize