Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
