enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
