she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize