I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
