yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
