i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
