I'm eating all of the evidence.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I am available for nakedness
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
