I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
