After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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