Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
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