I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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