I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Randomize
