I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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