Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
