You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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