I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
