You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
