I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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