Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
