A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
