I just threw up on my dentist
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
