1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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