I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
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