I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
