Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
It's shark week go big or go home
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
