Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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