Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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