Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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