He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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