It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
