I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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