when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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