If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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