I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
so let's talk penis.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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