You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
