guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
