just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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