you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
