Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
