just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
