I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
