Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
