I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
