Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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