i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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