I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
It's never too late to be topless.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
