I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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