What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
