woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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