god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
