I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
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