I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
