My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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