I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
