I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
