apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
