I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
