So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
My bed smells like the plague
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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